Do you remember your middle self?

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The middle self is supposed to be a grown-up. She’s the person who gets the job, maybe has a kid or two. The person who rebels in her teens, parties in her twenties, and gets serious in her thirties.

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And do you remember yourself before that? Your child self? Who were you then? Who were you before the adults and their “rules” told you to be something else?

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I remember.

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My little girl was empathic. She was a child mystic connected to the trees, the sky, the energy of all the beings around her. She was music. She knew when you were sad or mad even when you tried to hide it. She felt everything.

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But that little girl, after years of being told she was wrong or weird or needed to be fixed, went into hiding.

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After that, the middle self emerged. The middle self is in a constant battle between authenticity and responsibility. The middle self is the a master at the “shoulds” and the “supposed tos.” The middle self might feel resentful and even depressed without truly being aware of of the why.

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Here are some words that describe my middle self:

  • Scattered and disembodied
  • Emotionally closed off/depressed
  • Cynical
  • “Nice” but betraying herself daily

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Yes, that was me. Sounds like a barrel of laughs, right? It wasn’t. I had abandoned my little empathic girl child. For what? For the cultural message that I needed to grow up. But growing up doesn’t mean leaving parts of yourself behind. It doesn’t mean betraying your essence.

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Growing up means integration. Growing up means becoming who you truly are.

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Becoming is hard work. It takes practice, courage, and some good old-fashioned pummeling from life.

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I had to practice embodiment (yoga, dance) for years before I could feel my feet, really feel them. I had to develop a daily meditation practice before I could find some focus and calm. I had to be humbled by life over and over before I could let go of cynicism and begin to care, to feel deep compassion, to be kind instead of nice.

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That’s why my former self couldn’t believe it when I offered to send you all Metta Blessings.

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Every night before bed, I am dedicating 20 or 30 minutes to, essentially, praying for each person on my list, for you. My old self would have thought that was ridiculous.

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If my middle self would have received my Metta Blessing invitation, she would have:

  • Rolled her eyes
  • Definitely not responded because only people with “real problems” believe that prayer, meditation or any of that other nonsense has any effect at all.
  • Thought, “Who does this person think they are? Where are her credentials? The nerve! Does she think she’s better than me or something?

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It feels super vulnerable sharing this with you. It feels like I’m telling a family secret when I admit that, yes, this me for far too many years of my life.

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But my practice and my pain has lead me to self-forgiveness and to…prayer. It feels daring to call it that. Truth be told, the word still scares me. I don’t know if I believe that what I am doing every night will make the world a better place, but as I said before, I feel called.

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I have been called to open my heart. I have been called to be kind. I have been called to believe in my empathic powers.

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I have been called to see that I am here for a reason. And sending blessings to people everyday is one of the reasons I am here now.

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If you would like to join me in sending Metta Blessings, please do. We can make a chain of lovingkindness. You don’t have to meditate everyday or at a prescribed time. You don’t even have to do it in a certain way. You could simply consider sending love and kindness to the people in your life every now and then.

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Little girl steps.

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Or maybe your inner voice is calling you toward something else.

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What have you been waiting for permission to do?

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With love and support,

Holly

Learning to Care
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